How to receive constructive feedback with grace
By guest contributor: Gloria Eid
I can recall dozens of times where I have received a form of feedback that I didn’t want to agree with. No matter who it comes from, receiving constructive feedback puts us in a vulnerable moment, yet it is in this moment where we have the most important responsibility to the other person: to listen to their words with full attention and without our ego up on defence.
We can’t always be walking on sunshine in our personal and professional relationships, but by keeping the following four principles in mind whenever feedback feels hard to accept or when disagreement is on the horizon, you’ll begin to learn how to practice showing empathy, consideration, and even gratitude during a tough conversation.
Listen without interrupting
Be aware of all the thoughts that might be running through your head, and let them go. Use the time to simply listen without trying to formulate a set of responses in your head. When that happens (and I know how difficult it is to avoid) you become a distracted listener in that moment, and you are no longer giving full attention to the person’s thoughts and feelings in front of you. And while you’re at it, stop and smell the ROSES: Remember that your non-verbals are also important to the feedback-giver. As much as it’s hard to receive feedback, it’s also quite uncomfortable to give it! Remember to stay Relaxed, with an Open posture, facing Square to the person, and using Eye contact, which will help the both of you Stay engaged.
Avoid arguing or defending
It’s difficult to resist acting on our initial impulses to the criticizing or difficult feedback we receive, especially if we don’t want to believe there’s truth in it. It’s easy to react with statements like, “But, how about that time when you…” “Well, you said/did this, too…” “If you hadn’t [done this], I wouldn’t have [done that]” or “You’re not perfect, either, you know.”
Reacting with defensiveness or with a rebuttal does not get you to the place you want to be at the end of the conversation, does it? Think about. Take one breath and ask yourself, “What do I want the outcome to be from this conversation?” If the answer has anything to do with reconciling a problem, making things better, moving forward, strengthening your relationship with the other person, then likely, you won’t achieve any of that if you decide to argue or defend. Practice responding, rather than reacting, by taking a breath and saying what you really intend so that you get to the outcome you’d truly desire.
Probe for understanding
The best route to gaining clarity about a situation is through curious and inquisitive question-asking. Don’t be afraid to try to clarify the feedback you’ve heard. Repeat and paraphrase some of the feedback and ask for confirmation that you’ve understood it correctly. “What I’m hearing is… and when that happened, I upset the team because… am I understanding that right?” Probing for understanding not only gives the other person a chance to clarify anything that might have gone misunderstood, but it also gives you a better sense of the values and beliefs that are important to that person, of which will help you understand that person’s needs or priorities for the future.
Give thanks
As it’s said, “the road to self-insight runs through other people.” We need to take our time understanding others so that we are able to make sense of our own selves. Sharing difficult information or feedback that could hurt someone’s feelings is not exactly easy, so remember that if the feedback-giver is trying as best as they can to be respectful and understanding to you, take a moment to give thanks for sharing and acknowledge that you appreciate them taking the time to let you know.
By keeping these principles in mind, we can learn to better accept constructive feedback and practice calm and compassion whenever in a difficult conversation. We can use even these tough moments as opportunities to learn more about what’s important for others, the significance we hold in their lives, and how to find our own meaning and growth from our relationships and interactions with others.
Integrate what you’ve learned
Be very conscious in the upcoming interactions you have with this person and actively find ways to incorporate their feedback into the relationship. This step is the difference between listening to the feedback but dismissing it once the conversation is over, and really finding the moments to show the other person that you have heard them and are consciously trying new approaches. I like to think that feedback tells you more about the person giving it than it does about yourself. When we think about receiving constructive feedback in this way, we can consider these tough moments as opportunities to learn more about what’s important to the other person. As a result, integrating what you’ve learned about them shows the other person you honour your relationship and respect their needs.
Most importantly, receiving feedback with grace means you can give yourself the opportunity to test out the feedback you’ve learned, embody a new perspective you might not have considered otherwise, and discover any positive shifts that come from showing compassion and attention both during and after a difficult conversation. These subtle yet significant outcomes can only offer more meaningful growth and strength to all of our relationships, if only we stay open to practicing them.
About Gloria
Career educator, team builder, and communication aficionado |
@uWaterloo Co-op Student Advisor for West Canada & US |
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